The 10 Scariest Things About Twilight: Eclipse
Creeped Out
The pure grade undiluted adolescent fantasy that is the Twilight saga has now officially made its foray onto the big screen. This is the installment in which two monsters – handsome, manly, virile, deadly monsters – vie to win the affections of Bella Swan while a redheaded monster raises an undead army to kill her. In other words, pretty much every young girl’s dream scenario. TIME’s Belinda Luscombe caught an early screening of the movie and walked away thoroughly freaked out.
1. Immortal Hormones
Bella’s complete bucket list: (a) choose boyfriend (b) hang out with boyfriend forever (c) get it on with boyfriend (d) never grow old.
2. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do
Film opens, after obligatory violent bit to keep the boys running screaming from the theater, with dreamy British dude endlessly repeating marriage proposals to a young woman who’s reading Wuthering Heights while lying in a sun-dappled field of purple flowers. Welcome to Romance, 2010 flava.
3. Glitter Implants?
You can see the white makeup line behind Robert Pattinson’s ears in certain shots. This is very freaky. Also, does it mean he’s not naturally glittery?
4. Beefcakey
In real life, very few guys with abs like Taylor Lautner¹s can hold up their end of their conversation even as well as a wolf.
5. Macho Emasculated
Jacob Black, that romantic ideal: Comes when called, insanely loyal, only allowed inside when someone’s feet need to be warmed and slobbers on people without warning. Is this guy a wolf or a bichon frise?
6. Mommy Useless
Renee, Bella’s model mom: She doesn’t visit or even show up for Bella’s high school graduation. On the plus side, she knows where to get a quilt made out of old T-shirts.
7. All About Abstinence
Edward actually wants to take “chaperoned strolls” and “iced tea on the porch.” It burns!
8. What Would Smokey Do?
The Cullens’ environmental hazard. They have no National Parks fire permit, yet they insist on incinerating other vampires in the forest. Guys, kids are watching.
9. Confusing Cameos
The red headed monster is actually the real life daughter of Opie, from Mayberry R.F.D. Creepy.
10. You Don’t Care What I Think
Even with all this, this movie will make a bajillion dollars, thus cementing our grim fate: at least two more sequels.
SAUCY
Still going to see it tmrw.. LOL
