In preparation for this weekend’s release of The Twilight: New Moon (OMG u guyz, is it possible 2 die from 3 much excitement?!), I decided to actually watch The Twilight yesterday, you know, see what the kids were into these days. Wow, kids these days, you are into something really terrible! Like, I figured Twilight was bad, but I did not know it was going to be THAT bad. I assumed that while I wouldn’t like it, I would at least understand why kids liked it, but I don’t! It’s a disaster!
For one thing: it doesn’t make any sense? I’m sure that if you’ve already read all of the books 12 times by flashlight underneath the covers because your mom said no more staying up so late since you look so tired that she’s worried the teachers at your school are going to call social services on her, then maybe this movie makes sense because you already know everything that is going to happen anyway. But for people who haven’t read the books it’s a jumbled mess of inexplicable motivations and events. Like, for example, with almost no explanation, a game of Vampire Lightning Baseball is interrupted by the sudden CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE out of nowhere, in which a character that has literally been on the screen for 30 seconds so far is now at the crux of the movie’s major dramatic arc? I will tell you what is spooky: this movie’s inability to follow any rational structure of plot or character development!
Also, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are so terrible at acting! “I’m going to bite my lip repeatedly while you struggle to maintain your already terrible approximation of an American accent.” This vampire movie’s motto is “I want to suck…the end.” Right, you guys?!
Anyway, I have provided a little cheat sheet for adults who might want to see Twilight New Moon this weekend for some reason, but who don’t want to actually sit through the unbearable two hours that is Twilight Old Moon.
